Starseed

I have thought about how I was going to start this almost every day since everything happened. I’ve meditated on it, I’ve woken up at 3 am and I’ve daydreamed countless times contemplating the many words I could piece together to sum up this terrible yet transformational moment in my life. Although I still don’t believe I have all the right words and metaphors to narrate this life changing situation, I know I need to start by showing up and sharing with you an experience that women experience everyday all around the world.

Four months ago my husband and I made the decision to begin trying to conceive our first child. I can imagine that at this point in our relationship, the people in our lives are anxiously awaiting this addition. Travelling, seeing and experiencing our planet has always been very important to the both of us. Fortunately we have had a lot of opportunities to go on planet earth adventures. Although we haven’t even crossed half of our bucket list destinations, we became very excited for the journey of parenthood.

First and foremost, let’s be real and talk TTC (trying to conceive) As I entered this whole new world of attempting to approach motherhood, I joined different online forums and downloaded a couple apps that help women track ovulation cycles and hopefully eventually pregnancy. Although it is such a amazing opportunity to have so many tools readily available, it is also incredibly overwhelming. I stayed up late reading about other womens’ experiences tracking ovulation patterns and there was so much I didn’t know and wasn’t doing (ovulation strips ). I just knew I couldn’t wait to be a mom, spending hours just daydreaming about motherhood. Some days I swear I could feel my heart growing, so ready for a baby.

In February we were lucky enough to travel to the Canary Islands. We decided this would be our last big trip as a married couple without children, the trip we would try to create life together. I used my flo app to track my cycle and we did our best to connect on the days our chances to conceive were higher and were easy on ourselves the days we “should” but couldn’t. Our trip was adventurous, relaxing, fun, eye opening and romantic. I was so enthralled by our journey through the beautiful islands we were exploring to really pay mind to that dreadful two week period after ovulation and before the beginning of a new cycle.

Once we arrived home, I remember thinking I could be… should be.. pregnant – ahhh so exciting. A few days later I took a pregnancy test- too excited to even wait till I even missed my period, it was negative. I told myself, well it’s still early it could be wrong. Unfortunately two days later I felt that familiar beginning of cycle cramping and lower back pain, then shortly came my period. It had only been one month of trying to create life and I was disappointed that my body didn’t listen. I want a baby! I’m ready, we’re ready …didn’t my body just know?! After talking to my husband and a couple close friends, I shifted my focus to letting life happen. Things fall into place when they’re supposed to and I wanted to believe in enjoying the journey of creating a family with the one I love.

A week after we got back from our holiday, the whole world turned chaotic with the rise of COVID. Everyone around us was living in fear and anxiety. Unfortunately shortly after that, we were both laid off. We didn’t expect this loss and we tried; as much as we could, to find comfort and peace in grounding ourselves at home. We tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible as businesses and franchises were closing. This left us feeling more and more afraid of our future. We talked about putting off TTC plans to the side but truly believed in our hearts that when the universe decides its our time we will figure it out…what IT may be. A few weeks later, I got a positive pregnancy test.

It was an understatement to say we were excited. In the middle of a worldwide pandemic, we created a little life to love, protect and hold. We wanted our excitement to be shared and so we shared our news in the first few days with family and a couple close friends. Everyone was just as excited as we were. As the nausea got worst and the pandemic followed suit; we told more of our family and close friends. I am very transparent and honest with my tribe, keeping this secret was hard and confusing. I know usually people wait till 12 weeks to share their news but during some of the most difficult times for my friends and family, I wanted to share some of my light.

Into my 6th week, my grandfather died. Our relationship was complicated and we hadn’t been very close in years. The week before, I called my grandma on her birthday to tell her I loved her and that I was pregnant. She was super excited and shared the news with my grandpa. I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone for a long time, we shared our excitement and he told me he loved me despite our distance and couldn’t be more excited for us. I said I love you too. I felt so grateful to have had one last quick word with a man that taught me a lot about life. With this death, I was sad and felt so much empathy for my family and especially my grandma who lost her mom not long before. Despite so much sadness, I couldn’t help but to feel peace and gratitude for our last words together on the phone.

As the weeks progressed I tried my best to remain positive despite the world being in complete chaos. I was dealing with the constant nausea making it extremely difficult to eat. There was also uncertainty of my future and in addition to that there was the death of someone I loved. I questioned everything and worried about everything. I cried more often than ever. I leaned on my husband about all my self doubt and fears. Being pregnant is hard, being pregnant during a pandemic is very very hard. Most mornings I felt too overwhelmed by my nausea to make plans to accomplish anything for the day, I tried to stay active and occupied myself on the online pregnancy forums. I wrote in my journal to the best of my ability about my experience. Some nights I was too tired or too nauseous to show up in any capacity for myself. The experience of being nauseous all hours of the day as well as exhausted, gave me permission to be easy on myself. I am growing life. I am navigating a whole new sense of reality.

Staying true to my trend of transparency during a first trimester check up, my doctor taught me that pregnancy hormones elevate anxiety and with our worlds current state as well as my already naturally anxious demeanor, speaking to a counselor might help. I scheduled for an appointment call one week later. Melanie was great, she reminded me of some things we often easily forget. We can only control so much after all. During difficult times treat yourself as you would your best friend. This advice would later be part of my mantra.

As the pandemic continued to push its way into every crevice of our lives, just as quickly we are pushing forward to set into action a new way of going back to what’s considered our way of life. I had made the decision with the help of my doctor , that I would only return back to work after the end of my first trimester June 1. I was met with lots of love and support from my employers and colleagues. This love and support lifted the heaviness and the guilt of feeling selfish. Being pregnant, I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility for this precious life I was growing, holding within me and it was my job to keep our starseed safe.

During my last week off before heading back to work, I wanted to spend as much time outside with my first baby Luna ( my dog). Terence and I were spending a lot of our free time outside riding our bikes throughout the city. I was starting to feel better during that 11th week. Terence went out with friends and I decided to use whatever energy I currently had to go for a run with Luna. Although I would never call myself a runner, I started learning last summer and enjoyed it enough. It was a beautiful evening. I ran slow, my slowest yet. Luna was warm and my ankles were tight and painful. Although it was challenging I completed my first 5 KM run with the baby! I went home feeling amazing! Accomplished. Energized. I did some stretching and putzed around the house trimming dead leaves off house plants, feeling better than ever. Eventually my sweaty damp clothing was irritating me enough to decide to shower. As I undressed I saw a dark color in my underwear. GASP. My heart sinks to its lowest possible cavity. I’m scared.

I immediately called my mom. She reassured me that something like 20% of women experience some normal spotting during their pregnancies. I want to use logic first and foremost. It’s science, science doesn’t lie. I could be totally fine. My mom tells me she experienced spotting during pregnancy. Ok, I thought I was fine. I’m at 11 weeks. I have been biking a lot and I did just go for a run. I must of over done it. Why did I go for that run. stupid stupid stupid. I call my sister in law who had a misscarriage a couple years ago. She also experienced spotting during her healthy full term pregnancy. ‘You’re far along”, she reassures me, “I bet you’re totally fine”. I called my Dr. who also told me to take a deep breath and not to stress. Take it easy for the next few days she suggests. Relax and rest, put your feet up. I spent the rest of the evening crying, stressing and obssesing on every online pregnancy forum. My husband held me and let me feel all my fears. I didn’t have any cramping and the bleeding subsided. With my husbands positive affirmations manifesting all possible positive outcomes, I went to bed believing that the universe works for us. Whatever will be, will be.

The next day I decided I would get up and go buy something for our little starseed. I went to winners, my first time shopping since the world as we knew it changed. I quickly picked out a white new born onesie that said LOVED. Unisex and adorable. I was so excited again. I hadn’t bled since the one time after the run. I am healthy. I am pregnant. I am meant to be on this journey right now. Gratitude filled me up.

Three hours later, there it was again. Blood. I panicked and called Alberta health link. I told the compassionate nurse on the other end the whole story: my healthy normal pregnancy journey, my symptoms and what I was seeing in my underwear. I told her about the running and I couldn’t hold back the guilty tears. I shouldn’t have gone. I’m so sorry. The nurse made sure to tell me more than once that regardless of the outcome, it could never because of me, “it’s definitely not because you ran”. She told me to rest and keep an eye on it. I couldn’t wait. I needed to know. I got off the phone and walked directly to my husband and asked him to take me to the ER. Without hesitation, we got into the truck and drove down the street to the Grey Nuns ER. Because of COVID, he wasn’t allowed to come with me. For the most part all the health care workers were compassionate and friendly. I went through a series of triages explaining why I was there and confirming that I didn’t have COVID or any of its symptoms. Hours past and I was called out to receive a blood test by a very sweet nurse. We set up for my blood draw near the entrance of the ER in a waiting room chair, cold and vulnerable. More hours passed. I was then called into another waiting area to wait for my ultrasound. I knew this would be the hardest moment…the answer to everything. Up to this point I tried my best to stay as positive as I could. I didn’t google. I didn’t call anyone (ER waiting room etiquette). I didn’t know if I was over reacting coming here but I was now bleeding enough that I had to wear a pad. The bleeding was not subsiding.

The ultrasound was the worst… eerily quiet and terrifying. They did the best they could to make me comfortable but I was definitely not relaxed. I just stared at the ceiling crying in my mask. Holding my breath. Asking the universe to keep us safe, make this a funny story to tell at my baby shower. The male ultrasound tech and the female nurse both sat there in silence while the slowest most painful minutes crawled by. I tried to pay attention to physical reactions and any non verbal cues, but with the mask and with my debilitating fear I just sat there quietly giving the universe my trust. What will be, will be. This is all happening for me.

Two hours later I found out it was all over. I lost the baby. The heart stopped at 9W6D. I went into the hospital that day believing and knowing I was 11 weeks. This news although devastating was confirming what my body knew, that I actually wasn’t. The doctor who told me the news -that would forever change me, was compassionate and kind. He was honest. Gave me science and kindness. I was encouraged to keep reminding myself that this was not my fault. Nothing to do with what I ate. It wasn’t the biking or the running. This happens. Women experience this devastating loss more often than we might know. It happens to 25% of people that experience pregnancy. That’s 1 in 4 of you and your friends. Chances are it has happened to more than one women in your life, we just never talk about it.

My greatest fear happened. I lost the life that Terence and I created with love. We were ready. We wanted this. The thing is, none of that matters. It’s nature. It’s our body’s way of taking care of us. I knew this but still it hurts. I was referred to the early pregnancy loss center and received a phone call from them the next morning. The nurse I spoke to was the most kind, thoughtful and loving nurse in the world. I felt supported ,understood and most of all seen. She told me about all my options. There are three. Naturally (Advil and Tylenol for pain management) ;You can use a prescribed medication that helps your body let go of the pregnancy and all of its tissues or you can get a DNC ( dilation and curetage ) which is a procedure that is used to surgically remove remaining pregnancy tissues from the uterus. I went with the natural option, I had an inner knowing that my body would take care of me. I had severe cramping the whole night and was bleeding and passing clots already. The nurse reassured me that the choice I made was the right choice for me. She warned me of potential severe pain for approximately 2 hours and a passing of a small mass that would occur (gestational sac) followed by what once was the placenta. I unfortunately was among a smaller statistic of women that experienced extremely severe pain for approximately 8 hours. I timed my contractions until they couldn’t be timed being as they were constant. My pain management wasn’t working. The Tylenol, Advil, Motrin and Midol hadn’t touched the intense cramping and contractions. I unfortunately once again went to the ER. The experience this time around was much worst. They tried to remove the ‘”mass” but my cervix wasn’t open yet. I was prescribed Oxycodone and sent home. Hours passed and the pain continued to worsen. A few hours later my body fulfilled it’s purpose of protecting me and successfully rejected my baby. I flushed our starseed down the toilet and went back to bed. I was grateful, traumatized, relieved and empty.

I write this today with so many emotions. Most of all I feel gratitude. Grateful I shared my news with my family and friends. My heart is full from all the love and support I’ve received. I am surrounded by so many amazing, strong, resilient and compassionate people. I am grateful for my life partner who held me up during my most ugly difficult times. I am grateful to have the opportunity to share my story with you in hoped to allow someone… anyone… to forgive themselves. I want to talk about it . I want to talk about women being warriors. There are so many of us that push through the most difficult things- too often in silence. There should never be guilt,responsibility or shame attached to misscariage . I know there are women who walk this earth everyday carrying this pain ALONE. I want my story to be a reminder that this devastating loss can happen to any of us. There’s no such thing as deserving the loss of a baby. I do believe that life happens for us and although this circumstances has pushed this mantra I personally live by to a whole new level, I believe this will change my life positively. I know that part of my journey on earth is to help someone in healing from this trauma. It is my personal belief that together we need to help each other heal from all of our traumas and generational preconditioning. I hope in reading my experience I can inspire someone to reach out to a family member or friend to allow themselves to heal. I hope that I can influence the familiar conversation topic addressing the obvious lack of pregnancy in the life of the women in our lives.

The expectation that every happy couple will easily conceive, should even want a family or typical insensitive comment ” don’t wait too long” is no longer tolerated. Conceiving can be challenging. Unfortunately infertility affects 13% of our population and only half of couples who are trying to conceive are successful after 3 months of trying. Chances are someone in your life has experienced a miscarriage, infertility, difficulties TTC and other personal circumstances that make having a baby not as easy and stress free as I imagined it.

This loss has truly shown me that women are warriors. We are strong, resilient, determined and intuitive forces. I am overcome with gratitude and admiration for the women in my life. My most valuable lesson is that it’s important to admit when you’re not good, when life is not easy. I hope this can be an open invitation to anyone in my life to start a difficult conversation. I believe that there is always purpose in pain , I know healing takes time and I understand it will likely change my life forever. What positibely changed me the most from the loss of our baby is truly knowing that i’m never alone- We’re never alone. Stand up and reach out because there are so many people in your circle that will open their ears and hearts to your story.